reverb - Wisdom

Today's Reverb10 Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

This prompt hasn't been easy to write.  I really could have written about the most obvious decision I made this year (well, end of '09), but it didn't feel right.  There were a lot of small decisions I made this year that really played out beautifully and unexpectedly.

But what my heart wants you to know is about my decision to Find My Self.

I didn't realize how lost I'd been.  Yes, I functioned and operated in the world as best I could.  I really did think I knew myself.  I was confident in my work, family, who I was.  There really was no reason for me to believe I had any inner or personal work to do.  I did all my emotional work 10+ years ago as I started on my spiritual path, been through years of traditional therapy.  I thought I was "done" with all that soul seeking.


Ha!

Eventually something started cracking.  My heart couldn't take it any longer, and all the years of looking outside myself for the answers finally forced me to look within myself.  I'd had all these notions of who I was, who my friends thought I was, I took on ideas of other teachers and writers without a second thought.  But did I really hold the same beliefs or concepts?  Not really.  I was lost in the game of "let's do everything we can before we really have to look at our own shit."

So I disappeared.

Not literally, of course, but I really sank within myself for many months, and to some degree, am still there.  It was the year of letting go, of surrendering all that I thought was serving my life but really wasn't.  Of letting my life just BE whatever it needed to be in each moment.  For the first part of the year it was being in the moment of role as a caregiver, being able to drop everything to take my mom to the emergency room for the 3rd time or to her chemo session.  My Outer Self really was present and on guard for her.  Disappearing from the outside world was easier than I would have thought.  But on such a deep soul level, I really needed it.  My businesses and livelihood as taken a big hit because of it.  I see it as a fair exchange for finding the start of who I really AM, however. 

At the same time, my inner Self (and physical self) was crying every day, looking for one tiny bit of respite and peace, and really asking that the beliefs, thoughts, habits, patterns, soul agreements, contracts, etc, that didn't serve me any more be released from my life.  I chose to sink into my inner world and explore, to look at the deep parts of myself that I haven't wanted to look at, ever.  To see myself from a God Perspective and to see what wasn't 'real'.  It wasn't easy, believe me.  There were parts of myself that were ugly and sad.  But I started doing my work.  The inner work of releasing the old and seeing the true, beautiful, absolutely perfect being I AM.

I still have a long ways to go.

It's an ongoing process of knowing deep within myself that I am worthy of all the beauty and joy the world has to offer.  Of actually believing that I AM God. It certainly is shifting how I see the world and how I present myself to the world.  Slowly, bit by bit, I am coming out of my shell, seeking the world again.  Forgive me if I dip my feet in and then run back to shore for a bit.  It feels like this is the biggest, deepest, hardest, and yet most rewarding process I will go through in my LIFE.  (And if you see my astrology transit chart for this year, reading "once in a lifetime transit" every other paragraph is not really fun, but now, it all makes so much sense.)

Finding My SELF.

Yep, still playing out.  And still so rewarding.