friendships

Make new friends
Keep the old
Some are Silver
and the others Gold

This song that I clearly remember singing in my Brownies troop as a child keeps running through my head.  It is just an indication of thoughts I am working through right now.  I do have silver friends and gold friends, as well as purpley spotted friends and oooh you're very gray friends.  All of them are deeply appreciated and loved.  Over my 40 years I have met amazing people and had amazing friendships, some of which lasted 2 weeks, others were just a few years, and god bless them I do actually have good friends that I have known for close to 35 years. 

My thoughts this weekend have been about why some friendships work and some don't, or why some last as long as they do and others just fizzle out.  There is no rule book we are given as children about how to be friends; it's just taught by example and by trial and error.  I'm sure this is all perfect, but sometimes I wonder if we as adults, especially as women adults, hold out on telling each other the truth about what it's really like to have close women friends.  We can be so supportive and encouraging and fun and playful, and in the next second, be catty, gossipy, and just plain stupid. 

It is sometimes easier to just be with yourself than other people.

But it can suck being alone too.

I am so blessed for the friends in my life right now.  I seriously would have lost my mind had two or three of them not been there to listen to me and support me in the past six months.  Not only with my mom's health issues, but with big huge energetic and life changes, during which I also lost a few really good friends.  It's been really interesting to me to see who has stuck around, asked about my mom's status, offered support while I'm freaking out about another friends actions, been on the phone with me after I had a major emotional breakdown (again), asked if they can come do healing work with my mom, or even just asked the simple question of "How are you?" 

Or not. 

People are made of different strengths and gifts of how they friendship.  The people that I thought would be right there "on the front lines" have vanished, others have stepped up, others have their own life drama's happening, and still others are exactly the same.  My expectations have been low, maybe as a brace so I don't get hurt even more.  It all makes me feel so selfish at times, thinking about why the friendships changed or what was "wrong" with me that they left my life, but then again, I know part of my journey is to actually care about myself before others.

The grief of losing multiple friends at once has complications I never expected.  Being caught in the middle, not really having many answers, and circling around the lost friends is hard on one's heart.  It might take a long time to trust again.  But I'm dealing by going higher for a new perspective and bigger picture insights and learning to just surrender and be more open with the current amazing friends (and you all know who you are).

I realize this blog may push a few friends away or ruffle a few feathers, but I have needed to say it for myself.  I know the right people will stick around.  It's not a pity party by any means.  There is just a hope that by writing I can heal some things for myself, possibly help others, and maybe even possibly potentially (with no expectations) find a small opening for healing with the friends.

Onward and upward!