Yeah, my blog-guilt has kicked in. No new blog usually means either 1) life is busy, or 2) life is processing. Take a wild guess at which one is the reason this time. :)
Lauren has it all figured out. Mostly.
I am plugging away through the up's and down's of ascension and being a caregiver. Being a caregiver during ascension is not anything I'd wish on anyone. Living with cancer is an experience that can't be explained. It is it's own bubble of creation that no one should have to live through. On the surface, we're doing just fine, mom's state of being is fairly strong most of the time, the tumor has shrunk and is shrinking, she's lost most of her hair, and we go to a lot of appointments. But underneath it all, it's a roller coaster of emotions, medications, food issues or not eating, germ concerns, lots of sleeping, and not much conversation. We're pretty isolated in our own little world, not many people around other than my brother and the kids. I hear stories from other people going through illness and about all the visitors bringing food, phone calls asking what they need help with, offers for outings, and mom has a few phone calls here and there from friends and family asking how she's doing, but that's it. Cancer is different for every single person. (And I am NOT complaining, this is just how it is for us.) We know she'll survive this with flying colors. She's not "terminal" by any means, and this is just a glitch in the flow of life that forces us to look at who we are, how we treat our bodies, and what is really important in life. It's a gift.
I was doing really well as a caregiver until yesterday. It all just hit me at once that I am overwhelmed with daily tasks, driving to and from appointments, and being there all the time. Mom is very blessed to have complimentary (as in "free", but also complementary to her western medicine) healing touch, massage, and acupuncture appointments lined up for months to come. We'd even talked about getting pedicures and doing lots of fun things to nurture ourselves, but then boom, we're already more than half through her treatments, and really, most of the time, she's too tired.
My feet are neglected. So my intent is to start making appointments for myself for massage (done!) and healings (next task!), to get back to my dearly missed yoga class, to go to the mall a few times a week to walk (until it warms up!), to leave my house for more than appointments or grocery shopping, or even to find a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub in a far away suburb where I can escape for one night. It is challenging for me to ask for help or focus on myself, so if you want to invite me for coffee or go do something, I'll say yes. (Especially if you live in Hawaii or Florida! LOL)
On top of all this caregiving and cancer (and cabin fever), there is the phase of trying to figure out what to do with my life, feeling stripped of everything I have known and AM on many levels, regrouping back at square one for my business and being blessed with new opportunities, grieving through lost friendships (most of them gone now) *and* celebrating renewed and new friendships, wanting to flee back to my home planet, not being able to plan for more than 2 hours ahead of life, having no motivation to get anything done, including laundry, feeling deeply deeply lonely, and yet also having glorious moments of grace and connection.
I know this all will lead to amazing things. I see the gifts in ALL of this. My intuition and clair's are getting stronger, my family grows stronger, my neighbors fight over who gets to plow my driveway, we meet sweet people with genuine concern for mom at the grocery store or D'Amico, my soon-to-be four year old neice keeps us smiling and focused on our hearts, I get to have tea and good conversations in the middle of the day at the MOA (Mall of America) with friends, and above all, I get to see where my heart is open and where it is not so open.
What an adventure. It's all uphill from here!
BLESSINGS to you all~
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